Questioning the Next Questioner

by William Walsh

A Text Derived from Deciding the Next Decider: The 2008 Presidential Race in Rhyme, by Calvin Trillin (2008)

And Bushes war still raging unsubsided? Had he hatched plots nefarious and twisted? Our favorite feature? But what are we to do ‘til then? And who in Clinton’s party would compete with Hillary, the candidate to beat? And would the voters vote for in the fall a woman for the biggest job of all? But who knew I’d be tracking what he’s eating? His Drawbacks? What Could You Buy for What It Costs to Run for President? For instance, in the Civil Rights division, which civil rights are Justice lawyers liable to push—the right to vote or the right to teach the Bible? How you doing? How are you today? I like the sound of what Edwards says, but why’s his hair the kind that plain won’t muss? And who’s ahead is hard to say: Who knows who’ll go to caucus and who’ll stay through boring speeches and the odd dispute about rules well designed to convolute? And Guiliani who derives his powers from terrorists’ destruction of the towers? If there could be a dark horse, why not he? Who is this hick? The others? So where’s that black love child of yours living now? But what’s there behind it? Yes, where is the beef? Yes, where is the beef? For if it truly were, why did she back George Bush’s mad adventure in Iraq? And what, these people said, did that convey about a candidate who—all knew well—did not display a flag on his lapel? Could someone with a background so exotic be really, truly, red-blooded patriotic? A patriot? But can’t you tell? A patriot? But can’t you tell? A patriot? But can’t you tell? I only have one question left: Just what’s the reverend running for? Get out? Give up? Slink off? They thought you’d win in a walk, and who could expect a staff that inept? Will doing what the candidate’s desiring necessitate an act of auto-firing? Political junkies say something’s unclear: Just who in the hell’s Republican here? The right-wing blogs invented facts about him designed to cause Americans to doubt him: A terrorist who’s playing us for fools? At least a guy who went to Muslim schools? Who’s not a shy, retiring Southern belle? Whose Harvard degree is the way you can tell that she’s so elite she once at a morel? Who doesn’t wear flag pins on either lapel? Who might be a part of a terrorist cell? Who might have the powers for casting a spell? Whose fist-knocks may summon the devil from hell? Who could be, we reckon, a Muslim as well? The Democrats’ one overarching aim? And Sarkozy? With that lovely climate, how bad could it be? So Where’s the Blowout? Would he choose someone who might try to turn a red state blue, like Evan Bayh? So what if I’m a little long on spots to lay my head? Reports, in a pack, chose one obsession: Was Clinton and Obama’s pact now sealed, the bitter feelings of her fans all healed? Since when’s a great oration been used to comfort or stir a nation? The implication, though, is rather fraught: Will they now try to start a better war? What wasn’t heard in slogans and in cheers? Could he just find some way to skip St. Paul? Who? And why’s she so certain of what God wants done? Who cares if his guys didn’t vet her? Had anyone done such a thing before? Were he and Wall Street melting down in tandem? Who knows? Remember that spitball that in second grade caromed off the teacher’s nose? The puck’s in the net—at least somewhere near it? O what’s to discuss? So now the gasbags pondered, on and on, was that McCain of yore completely gone? The people in big cities? Would all right-diaper babies now jump ship? Would John Podhoretz and Bill Kristol flip? Would Democrats get funded by some lady who boasted Herbert Hoover as her zayde? Who’d be the scapegoat in the final score?